So here’s the first paragraph of the first story I
ever finished. Grade 8, woo. I have underlined all the parts that made me
cringe and laugh aloud.
The alarm clock played an annoyingly cheerful
tune. A hand patted the bedside table,
in attempt to find the source of the noise without any success. A sleepy,
still half asleep head popped up with a groan. With the help of sight, Toshepsilon was
finally able to find the clock and switch off the annoying alarm. The clock read 6:30 am. Tosh wondered why his alarm clock was set to
go off so early or at all. It must have
been someone that knew that when Tosh woke up, he wouldn’t go to sleep again
until bed time. The only name that
popped up was C.J. Only she could have
done such an evil deed. Still half
asleep, Tosh dragged his tired body out of bed.
It was useless to try to fall asleep again now that he was half
awake. After a trip to the toilet and a
shower, Tosh was more refreshed, although still a little annoyed at C.J, who
was obviously the one who set the clock.
Since it was C.J was obviously the one that set the clock, Tosh
decided that C.J probably had something official or important so he put on his
uniform. Then he dried his emerald
green hair and tried to tame it. Tosh’s
hair was impossible, it flopped this way and that, sometimes getting in his
eyes. He had given up on gel and it was
still too short to tie up. Tosh put his
red cloth band around his forehead as a sign that he had lost something great
and dear to him.
This is how
I would write the scene now.
The alarm
clock’s cheerful tune was full of sadistic pleasure. When the swatting of his groggy hand did not end the torture, Toshepsilon groaned and begrudgingly lifted his head
to squint at the illuminated numbers.
6:30am.
Never in a
million years would he have set an alarm for this ungodly hour. It must have been the work of Commander Jaramiteey. The
commander, known affectionately by her tight knit team as ‘CJ’, never did anything
without purpose. So if she set an early
alarm for Tosh, he knew that he’d best get up.
A shower
worked wonders.
So did his
uniform.
The red bandanna wasn't part of the standard issue.
It tamed his grass-green hair, but that wasn't why he wore it.
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