Something I wrote half a lifetime ago

So here’s the first paragraph of the first story I ever finished.  Grade 8, woo.  I have underlined all the parts that made me cringe and laugh aloud. 

The alarm clock played an annoyingly cheerful tune.  A hand patted the bedside table, in attempt to find the source of the noise without any success.  A sleepy,  still half asleep head popped up with a groan.  With the help of sight, Toshepsilon was finally able to find the clock and switch off the annoying alarm.  The clock read 6:30 am.  Tosh wondered why his alarm clock was set to go off so early or at all.  It must have been someone that knew that when Tosh woke up, he wouldn’t go to sleep again until bed time.  The only name that popped up was C.J.  Only she could have done such an evil deed.  Still half asleep, Tosh dragged his tired body out of bed.  It was useless to try to fall asleep again now that he was half awake.  After a trip to the toilet and a shower, Tosh was more refreshed, although still a little annoyed at C.J, who was obviously the one who set the clock.  Since it was C.J was obviously the one that set the clock, Tosh decided that C.J probably had something official or important so he put on his uniform.  Then he dried his emerald green hair and tried to tame it.  Tosh’s hair was impossible, it flopped this way and that, sometimes getting in his eyes.  He had given up on gel and it was still too short to tie up.  Tosh put his red cloth band around his forehead as a sign that he had lost something great and dear to him. 

This is how I would write the scene now. 

The alarm clock’s cheerful tune was full of sadistic pleasure.  When the swatting of his groggy hand did not end the torture, Toshepsilon groaned and begrudgingly lifted his head to squint at the illuminated numbers. 

6:30am.

Never in a million years would he have set an alarm for this ungodly hour.  It must have been the work of Commander Jaramiteey.  The commander, known affectionately by her tight knit team as ‘CJ’, never did anything without purpose.  So if she set an early alarm for Tosh, he knew that he’d best get up. 

A shower worked wonders.

So did his uniform. 

The red bandanna wasn't part of the standard issue.  It tamed his grass-green hair, but that wasn't why he wore it.